I won't be sleeping too well February 7, 2006
Right now, it's 4am on Tuesday. Rather than sitting here waiting for work to come around, I figure I'll just go to work. The great thing in my profession is that you might find a job that lets you work whenever you want, as long as you work 8 hours a day. I have that job right now, so I can go in at 5am and leave at 2pm if I want. Or I can head in at 9 and leave at 6. Doesn't matter.
So, the whole quitting smoking thing... it's still going on. I'm at the beginning of day 3. The last cigarette I had was early Sunday morning, around 3am. It's such a pain in the f#@%#$#!@ ass. I'm saying to myself, just smoke. Just go to the car, grab that emergency pack with 18 smokes left in it and light one up, because you're not going to quit. You suck at quitting. But, another part takes a deep breath, and realizes that it feels good to breath!! If you smoke as much as I do and for as long as I have, you get to appreciate breathing. Even during some heavy smoking times, I'll run up and down stairs for a few minutes because forcing yourself to breath deep for oxygen feels good, even when you can't breath. Breathing cold air is the best feeling.
So, I don't know if I'll smoke or not. I will be in the car, driving to work, with practically a full pack and means to light a cigarette, and yet I've made the trip to and from without lighting up once. It's an accomplishment. I keep waiting to light up, because eventually, I'll have gone a few days without smoking, and then a few weeks, then a few months... the further I get from that last smoke, the better it feels, the better I can breath, the better my quality of life is.
The best way to quit smoking, I've learned, is to go cold turkey. I quit for a year that way before. Just stop smoking. By taking nicotine patches, you delay the process. You could be over nicotine in as little as 3 weeks if you go cold turkey, yet some of those patch and gum systems make you go 6-12 weeks on their system. The other option is medicine that calms you down. I've quit on Wellbutrin before, which is an anti-depressant. It's other effect is that it calms down your nerves when you are craving a cigarette. This is kinda like cheating. Going cold turkey is hard, and by the end you're like, that was way too damn hard to do again, so I'm not going to start smoking again. But if you go the easy way, you're like, that was too easy, I'm gonna smoke again and quit again later. The other way to quit is to "cut down". Who has this ever fooled? If I wanted to get my Mom off of my back about smoking, I would say that I cut down. Then she would say "You should just quit." And I agree. Smoking is too involuntary for me to have to consciously take note of the last time I smoked, and then see if now is the time to have another one. That way may work for other people. But, I'd give a bazillion dollars to be able to smoke for a few days if I wanted, stop for a few weeks, smoke some, stop more, etc. It's gotta be a daily thing though. I wish nerves weren't so damn demanding. Stupid addicted nerves... stfu.
Stay tuned and wish me luck! It's not the first time I've tried to quit smoking, and in some twisted way I hope it will be the last. But as I've learned, there is no such thing as "I quit smoking". You're always in the process. I went for a year without smoking, and I never said that I kicked the habit. I was still trying to quit. My Dad's friend, Mr. Boyle, said he smoked for 20 years, stopping over 20 years ago, and still has dreams about enjoying a cigarette. Everyday you have the ability to just walk into a place and buy cigarettes, and you see people doing it, and you might walk by someone doing it and smell it. It's the worst thing in the world, yet also the best.
So, I won't be sleeping too well this week, even with gallons of NyQuil in my system. I took some tonight, went to bed by 8 or 9, and woke up at 3. It helps though, a lot. I might stop smoking but get hooked on NyQuil! Oh well... can't win 'em all.